De-escalating Verbal Violence

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” [1]

Stay calm. Don’t lose self-control. The more you stress you lose control of your emotional self and become irrational. KNOW your reaction level. If you are getting angry, KNOW when to back off.

We don’t know what just happened in a person’s life to make them behave the way they are.

Signs of emotional duress include pacing, wringing of hands, fidgety, and sweating profusely. Don’t avoid the upset person. Ask how they are. Spend time listening. Only speak when you need to clarify your understanding of what they just said. Then, stop talking again.

People often resolve their own issues if we respond to their expressed needs by asking them what THEY plan to do about it. What are the options THEY are considering? We don’t take their problem on. We let them talk about how THEY will resolve the problem.

When a person is defensive, they usually start talking progressively louder. They may swear and become derogatory. It is usually during an agitated moment that they become violent. Don’t use a direct approach, i.e., “you (something).” Instead, say, “I’m concerned about your behavior. You may hurt yourself or someone else.”

When speaking with an irate person, stand at a slight angle to them as opposed to straight in front of them eye to eye and nose to nose. Face to face can be threatening. To stand at a side-angle conveys help rather than confrontation. Also, we should stand with our arms down and palms out to convey non-aggressive behavior.

Learn the art of setting limits. Outline for the person what behavior is allowed and what is not. For example, with an irate person, you could say, “Please try to get your anger under control. If you can’t get your anger under control, we will have to ask you to leave. If you cool down, we can sit and talk.” After telling them their positive and negative options, let them choose. Do enforce the consequence if they don’t listen.

Statistics show that people with mental issues are apt to be the victims of violence more than the perpetrators of it. Drugs can cause violent tendencies. Give people with a history of violence a shorter leash before intervening. Significant losses can negatively affect a person’s behavior.

People act against a perceived threat. The average personal space someone needs is three feet. Back up if tension is escalating. If you are too close, they may feel threatened. If you are a big person talking to a small person, consider backing up more. Older people tend to expect more space than younger people. Consider the volume and tone of your language. Sarcasm is a reaction to stress. A person on the defense may challenge you or defy you.

Power struggles are an emotional landmine. People may challenge your authority and credibility. When you are locked into a power struggle with a non-compliant person, focus on the problem at hand and not on the power struggle. If we take the threat personally, we become more focused on self. Ignore insults and stay with the issues at hand.

CARE stands for...

Concentrate - give full attention with body language and words
Acknowledge - nod head and consider what is said
Respond - repeat what they said back to them
Empathy - see through the eyes of another

Remember to:

Explain which specific behavior is inappropriate
Explain why the behavior is inappropriate
Give reasonable choices with consequences
Allow time to comply so as not to seem to give an ultimatum
Enforce the consequence if necessary
Time is your friend; the longer you can delay enforcement the better

“Code red” can be used as a signal for another person to help. Call 911 immediately if the situation is uncontrollable. [2]

[1] Matthew 5:9
[2] 8.2.12 notes from teaching by Mr. Steve Wiggins. Former Administrator at the Kentucky Western State Mental Hospital