Dealing With Disrespect

Guidance for Leaders at Teen Challenge

By Allen Turley

“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14

What are expressions of disrespect and what are healthy responses to disrespect? The list below is adapted from Dr. Lucian Leape.

Disruptive behavior is angry outbursts, verbal threats, demeaning comments; swearing; throwing or breaking objects, bullying, shaming, and condemning or criticizing in front of others, and the threat or infliction of physical force or contact. Or it may be a blatant and flagrant disobedience to a rule. The body language says, “What are you gonna do about it?”

Humiliating or demeaning treatment involves patterns of behavior that include ignoring authorities, sarcasm, insensitive jokes, or remarks, making faces to others when authorities aren’t looking. They demean authorities, especially in front of others.

Passive-aggressive behavior includes negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to requests or instructions. They refuse to do tasks or deliberately delay responding, making others wait on them. They can be critical of authority and others. They may go out of their way to make others look bad while acting innocent.

Passive disrespect involves uncooperative behaviors that are not overtly mean. Often it means that they just do nothing. These people may express disrespect by being chronically late, responding slowly to requests, and or unwillingness to cooperate and work as a team with others.

Dismissive treatment is expressed by being flippant or indifferent towards authorities, thus making it very difficult to work with them.

We should not tolerate or encourage disrespect by overlooking it, laughing at it, or becoming a willing party to it. A person could be the best authority in the world, model respect perfectly, be Jesus incarnate and people would still show disrespect at times. We should, however, examine our personal behaviors and practices and the culture of the ministry to see if we are doing things that bring out the worst in people.

Address disrespectful behavior consistently. Develop and rehearse a consistent response plan.

Know the rules. Know the policies your ministry has enacted to keep people safe. Maintain a log to document negative behaviors to help others leaders to see the unhealthy patterns.

Don’t take it personal. Their expression of disrespect is about them, NOT you, EVEN IF it is directed at you. Their actions are their own responsibility. If we take comments personally, we will be defensive and reactive and quickly lose control, giving them exactly that for which they hoped!

Never get into a power struggle or shouting match. Don’t argue. If the conversation feels like it is slipping toward a power struggle, find a way to change the course, even if it means stepping back for a time to regroup. This will demonstrate to the person that whatever they hoped to accomplish by being disrespectful or yelling is off the table until they speak with respect. This sends a clear message that disrespect doesn’t work and won’t be tolerated

Remove the argument from the crowd. Don’t embarrass a person in public. Don’t send a message that you don’t care for their feelings.

Don’t attempt to add a quick jab at the end. Fighting for the last word in an argument only prolongs the argument and adds fuel to the fire.

Avoid lecturing, nagging, sarcasm. They don’t work.

Don’t try to bring it to a quick end without dealing with the issue. In the press for time we often want to jump to an authoritative declaration to end it quickly and move on. Try to understand where the person is coming from and help them understand the issues they need to deal with.

Don’t use language that puts the person on the defensive. It is much better to focus on what you don’t understand by using “I” statements and “feeling” statements rather than, “you” statements. This way you don’t pin them into a corner or assess blame, but rather seek to understand their actions.

Ask open-ended questions. Good questions will help the person understand the source of their negative attitude and behavior for themselves.

Examine Biblical truth with the person regarding the specific issues that need to be addressed.

Accept that changing negative behavior takes considerable time and effort, so be patient with behavioral changes. Although some changes can take place quickly, most take time. (Don’t think so? Take a look at your own life.) Also, accept that the commitment of this time and effort is a worthwhile endeavor. Helping a person to dispel disrespectful behaviors is a slow progress, but you will be giving the person a life-lesson that no one has had the courage or strength to teach before.

Stay the course and rebuild trust. People become loyal to people that treat them with respect, even when they may not deserve it. Remember you are helping them unlearn negative relational attitudes and patterns of behavior that are entrenched in their minds. You are helping them to see that they are not handling things correctly.

Involve others. The best ideas for dealing with particular issues will come from presenting the needs of one person to a few others for discussion, ideas, and team planning.

Leave room for the Holy Spirit. This one should be first, but I have left it for last so that hopefully it will be remembered above all others. As we pray and remain sensitive to the Holy Spirit, He works in the person’s heart and mind and gives us insight and creativity that we would not have otherwise had.

Defiant people may attempt to escalate a situation for many different reasons. Often, they are not afraid of conflict and escalating matters to the point of conflict will ultimately cost you far more dearly than it will them. Often, they don’t mind punishment. Some don’t want to be there and would be happy if you kicked them out. The situation is win-win for them. They break the rules and get kicked out. They are happy on both counts. And to top it off, they showed your weakness by getting you angry. Disruptive people will look for any opening to create chaos. So, be ready. Be on your guard. Plan. Practice.

Now, set aside time to write out and plan your response to disrespect. Role-play your plan in your own mind or with another person – possibly thinking of a person that you have had or are having problems with now.